I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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