I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
