apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize