I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize