I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
