on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
