i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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