made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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