I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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