Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize