watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
