girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
