life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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