we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's just like the Real World with babies
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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