I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
