i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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