I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
