What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
