there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
