I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
