I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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