So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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