My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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