i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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