Are we in a gay sports bar?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
