My underwear smells like fireworks.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
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