my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
