I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
