I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
