My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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