im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
