Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
