Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize