So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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