If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Randomize