I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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