Joe is yelling at the trees again.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
