i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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