yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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