Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
