i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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