Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
