Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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