I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nicole vs. Life
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize