just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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