I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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