How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
