Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
