Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Come share oat with me in your robe
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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