If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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