You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize