mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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