Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize