life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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