My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
