Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
