Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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