Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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