Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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